I'm In It For His Sense of Humor

"He's worried that his fiance is marrying him for his money. Only knowing what I know, I can't say I disagree. She's not marrying him for his legal skills, I know that for sure. Or if she is, she's in for a terrible disappointment the first time she gives him an assignment."

Now that is classic. When most guys ask me for what I look for in a guy, I have to be honest: sense of humor, intelligence, looks -- in that order, specifically.

Hot idiots do not appeal to me. They tend to be insecure numbskulls who cover with arrogance, and arrogance is such a turn off. It's my job to tell you your body's hot.

• Funny Bone-err

Sense of humor kinda entangles itself with intelligence. The kind of humor I'm interested in is either pure randomnity for the sake of randomness, or sarcastic gems that arrive as neatly-packaged insults doled out to those who deserve them. (Or as my friends like to do, aimed directly at me. I love y'all anyways.)

• The CIA

Intelligence is a standalone. If you are asking yourself the question: I went to college, does that count?, I dare challenge you, not necessarily. I'm an edu-snob. And of coures Ivy Leagues are intriguing, but I have found the diamonds in the rough at other institutions (devry falls into this category). Basically, I need to know that I'm going to be able to say the word "Bush is an idiot" and even if you disagree you'll know what I'm talking about. Current events won't be limited to who in Hollywood broke up with whom and who's the biggest pop star this week.

• The Hotness Factor

I'm not really into arrogance and that just means guys who know they're hot. Gym rats are usually in this category and well I don't mind a guy who's working out, but how's he working out, that's the question. Many times someone who does not have this quality "out the gate" can accrue points through a variety of sarcastic jokes and especially ripping on George "bubbles" Bush. I definitely go for tech geeks who have lived outside the box. I'm into that avid reader of Dragonlance, who doesn't know he was being checked out at 4th and Santa Monica Blvd. He's Abercrombie and 1pm snack-after-lunch. He's adorable because he's loveable. He's loveable because he's unique. And since he's unique, it's difficult for the common stalker to scam me on this one.

~Now to get to the good stuff~

MONEY

I am not shallow. I have been poor, middle-class, and upper-middle-class. However, I know that there is no somewhat-stable man that can survive more than a month or so with a woman who makes more money than him. Now, if he does not know how much money she makes, and does not research to find out, and just accepts things, then perhaps money does not matter. In the event that those exceptions do not apply, the guy should probably make the same or more than me.

This is not supposed to disturb the Y-chromosomes out there. This is simply a fact of the machoism that you guys carry. For whatever reason, you guys like to one-up everyone. It's a fact of life. I challenge you to play a game that you know I'm simply better at than you, and just lose. Accept the loss and not even try to get better at it for a rematch. Will let me repeatedly beat the crap outta you for the entire afternoon and just take it. (HA! I snicker at the image.) Won't happen; doesn't matter what it is -- Tennis, Pac Man, Running, Fastest Eating Record, Longest Nose, whatever.

COMMITMENT ISSUES

Let's get this straight. Not every girl is trying to trap you, alot might be. You have to look at it from our point of view. Society frowns upon the quirkyalone chick. We're supposed to be procreators, soccer moms, full-time working moms, etc. That's alot of pressure to find the "perfect" (aka Mom wishes she had procreated this one) man, and he's supposed to be romantic, always loving, and give us our way because he wants what we want. This is more of a FANTASY than the "2 girls on 1 boy" one; we know that. But it doesn't mean that being force-fed Disney romances for 20+ years is gonna suddenly snap us into reality. No one wants to find our shoe, kiss us awake, or ride up on a noble steed and wisk us up into a happy ending -- that reality is a little hard to swallow for the first 10 years of dating adulthood, so give us a break, will ya?