Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Sea Son of Whale

I feel like my cynicism fell out of remission. I'm not sure when it happened, but it started with the thought that I may have succeeded in everything that doesn't matter. I'm missing what does matter and I'd almost trade everything I have for it. But there are no guarantees in love.

You can't even get up from the table when you're done gambling. You simply lose some control at the table, like you're locked in at a set amount of time. And only when the dealer lets you go, can you. And at that point you don't really want to.

This kind of lonliness is different. It's the kind where you're just tired of watching Netflix by yourself on monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday, not necessarily that you're alone either. It's realizing that getting fucked is payable by Visa or MasterCard, but finding what few people learn to capture for a lifetime and many capture for a moment, when souls touch, tangle, and translate, ahh, isn't that what I'm missing? Isn't that what eHarmony is banking on?

The problem with that photo, is that reality isn't a Kodak. Reality is a fully four dimensional existence, and love takes work. More work than 60% of Americans are willing to put into it. It's not an afterthought "hey let's logon and see who's left me an icebreaker." It never was that.

It's the process by which walls disintegrate and then trust begins building. For some, this is a rather seamless process, for the rest of us though, the demolition isn't as painless as a few well-placed explosives. We're hurting from the ground up and it's like taking a pickaxe to demolish a fifteen-story building.

Gimme love or gimme death. Wait, not yet, ack! cough! (breathless goodbye).


Blogger dannyman1024 said...

that poem is amazing.

Life does get it's ups and downs. some of us feel Huge surges of downs. Just keep your eyes up, at The one who saves, and you'll be making your way up.

That's just what I've learned.

you've got amazing writing too by the way.

hope you find a way out of the lonliness and cynicism.

9/13/2005 11:04 PM  
Blogger JadedTLC said...

thank you for your kind words, i think i'll read a verse or two before bed

9/13/2005 11:35 PM  
Blogger grumblefish said...

Howdy jaded- Once again, an interesting study in humanity. The last time I was in Vegas, I freely admit that I spent way more time watching people than gambling. About the only thing missing was a Tom Waits soundtrack. It sounds like the antidote lies in other people, not objects, for what you describe.

9/14/2005 2:06 AM  
Anonymous your buddy k from myspace said...

There are days that in my own life I wonder where I took that wrong turn and wound up where I am now.

Yet, I look back and can sometimes see my mistakes and wonder if they weren't the right decisions after all? Life's weird that way.

What was once wrong, can be right. Time gives us perspective. Take that look back. Do you really think all the bad that happened to you were useless events? Didn't they shape who you are now? Aren't you a better person for having experienced them? I think so. Why do you think I want to keep your respect, even if I never meet you in person? Even if I lived over 2000 miles away from you. LOL. Smile and keep smiling.

And if you can't smile, kick their asses for me.

9/15/2005 9:24 PM  

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