Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Biggest Loser and Other Sordid Tales

I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" because for some masochistic reason, I like to watch other people losing weight as I'm sitting on the couch munching on something that they're gonna say has way too many calories. I have 20 pounds that keep coming back from vacation, and I'm working out a little more crazily to see if I can get rid of them for good. (Burying them alive isn't entirely out of the question.)


I also have websites to develop and next week was my deadline. Unfortunately, between the Coldplay concert and the extra responsibilities at work, I'm finding it difficult to turn my computer on and just do something about it. I'm even finding excuses to avoid blogging, which I love.

I've been thinking about Maverick and what happened and that maybe I was forcing fate by pushing so hard to get what I wanted, without even stopping to think about what he wanted. I guess it's not regret, just silent wonder. And I'm certainly tired enough that I'm not thinking clearly.

The days are melting into months already. I feel like 2006 is zooming by and there's not much time left.

Last night I got really reminiscent due to the Fiona Apple opening act. That song "Criminal" brought me down college memory lane. My SA, Amber -- well I love her last name but won't publish it in case I get in trouble -- and my ex Ty-Rin and a whole lot of drama, coming soon to a theater near you. Anyway, there were definitely some tears coating my eyes and maybe it's just that I don't even know that person I was. I feel like I let life and love and the lack of pursuit of happiness to take over. A whirlwind of loss of time, and now I'm so much more confident and different. I think I know what I want to some degree.

Back then, I hardly knew who I was and how could I know how to pursue happiness when I didn't even know what happiness looked like. I thought happiness was short and dark, and "handsome." Dear God KNOWS the definition of handsome has been kicked up several notches. And I peer at the Savon prints and wonder what the hell was I thinking?! I can do sooo much better than that. And why was I even worrying about doing better.

And to my loyal readers who check in every once in awhile. I give you grand kudos to this writer who pretends to be blocked but is more about not being caught telling the truth.

Thank you.

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