October is Different, This Time

I woke up feeling a little better about the world. Not so down or monotonous. Maybe the winds are dying down and the Ions are back in place. Then I drove under a splendid moon. And upon arriving at the beach, I felt the cool wet breeze sliding across my cheek. Indeed, I felt better.

The cold dark sand, glowing under the moonlit sky. What few stars winking among the airplanes circling near LAX. The chill in the air and the thought of hot chocolate commingled.

I stood against the world. And God wrapped me in love. What more could I possibly want?

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Have you ever wondered at how time keeps chugging along? I really don't understand how I keep doing the same thing every day. And even when I'm bored, I still do the same things. Waking up guaranteed.

Ever felt alive? That feeling of superimposed joy? I forgot it.

I used to wake up at Pepperdine and look out the window at a usually gray sky and sometimes you could see the great Pacific as a backdrop. I felt energized by experience.

Now I know I'm not done experiencing, but if anything, I'm stalling. Those breathless moments that nearly bled in my life, have fallen into a drought. They are rare times, and only a small reservoir in the desert.

Most of all, I miss falling in love. How do you let go when you've hurt so much?

I reason that I read other people's love stories; their serious thoughts when they blog about the drama they enthrall in. Almost as if I can taste romance on a Baskin Robbins' sized spoon. It leaves you feeling hungry and unsatisfied, but I still do it. The day the music died, came but I don't remember what day that was. When was it? Manufactured infatuation isn't any consolation to these questions either.

I searched high and low. I know I'm human, but in some breath, I feel too serious to be alive. Too somber and controlled to truly live.

Perhaps, destiny will find me again, and of course, I'll miss stability. But until that day, I miss you.