Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Terminitor

I had dinner with my ex roommate the other day, and it felt like visiting my ex husband. Which isn't unlike what it started to feel like, after four or so years. It was really good seeing him, but had that hint of awkward memory hanging by a thread, where bitterness was fading, but still somehow attached. Things always move forward though, and by holding on to the past we just lose touch with reality as it is.

Desire, unrequited, remains within. I realize the theme here -- I keep coming back to it. Somehow I'm always the asker-outer, never the asked. Perhaps, that's in my best interests, but still; it'd be nice to have a guy try to kiss me. For once. (whiny moment: why do i have to do all the work.) That said, ok. All better.

Summer ended and somehow it opened with so much promise and settled into stagnating serenity. Like a pond that's beautiful, slight ripples of a breeze, not an ocean of opportunity bringing waves of disappointment and joy in every wave.

Stealing time for a moment, that's all I want to do. I did it once, and got away with it, but there's still a part of me that thinks I may have squandered a part of it. Fool that I am, I believe it can be done again. I'm highly competitive and not one to give up so easily, not unlike the Roadrunner and Tom of Tom and Jerry. So, how does one dust herself up after falling off the cliff over and over again. One does, I say, one does.

Ok, out of the stupid relationship babble...
I have termites in my apartment and I hate them. I drowned several of the little buggers with 409 and felt great joy as they struggled and finally drowned. Ew. If anyone knows how to kill a minor amount of termites. Do tell do tell.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Better Left Unrequited?

Joyfully, every weekend has "good time" written all over it. And thankfully, it lives up to that promise. Sometimes you wonder just how your life got so awesome so suddenly. And if you let cynicism rear it's ugly head, well then you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Perhaps, it's not even full of meaning after all. Perhaps, what is, just simply is.

When life gets this way, it's interesting to observe myself. See just what moves I make, what things I do, and what choices I make. I simply cannot live in the future. And all that planning just puts a spin on your head. We both know it wasn't going to end well anyway, the plans, that is.
  • Definitely have a good time as often as possible.
  • Good friends are more valuable than you will ever know.
  • What makes people tick and why do I care?
  • Laughter is contagious; so is drunken foul behavior.
  • Peer pressure isn't always a bad thing.
  • Love hard, because it's worth it.
  • Pain is temporary.
  • It's all in your mind, no really it is.
  • Paranoia is justifiable. That doesn't mean everyone really is out to get you.
  • Million dollar ideas arrive everyday, when are you going to cash in?
  • Your sister might be your best friend.
  • The past is finished; the future hasn't arrived yet -- what are you staring at me for?
  • How far is too far?
  • Dare to be; dare to dream; double dog dare.

And because I'm not sure if unrequited is all it's cracked up to be, I will end here. Hella kisser, that one was.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Risk - More Than Just A Game

To start:
Notes from September 19, 2005

It was as if summer and fall were ice-blended on the breeze. Sufers riding out dusk's dust. I wanted to be on that sailboat out there softly churning the high tide as the sun landed on the ocean. And more than that; I caught myself by surprise -- I wanted to be in love again.

The sun began to slip into the shadows. As night eclipsed day, romance gasped its last breath. And I was normal again.

As I left the beach:
an old woman in lavender and sequins holds her poodle tightly as she views the dying day. perhaps she misses her husband -- dead and gone -- and is reminiscing about him. in this moment, i think i know how she feels, just a little bit.

In a matter of 20 minutes, I fell into and out of love (again). And the feeling was climatical. I felt a serenity that held me close, made me comfortable; I knew security and guiltless freedom. I was responsible for nothing and no one, in just that singular section of time.

I'm still reflecting.

In other news, I'm taking Dreamweaver so my websites can look better. (randomnity the colony, and And that kills one night a week. I'm going to London for Thanksgiving.. and that's awesome news! May our prayers go out to Hurricane Katrina survivors and Hurricane Rita (i hope it's not as bad).

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Sea Son of Whale

I feel like my cynicism fell out of remission. I'm not sure when it happened, but it started with the thought that I may have succeeded in everything that doesn't matter. I'm missing what does matter and I'd almost trade everything I have for it. But there are no guarantees in love.

You can't even get up from the table when you're done gambling. You simply lose some control at the table, like you're locked in at a set amount of time. And only when the dealer lets you go, can you. And at that point you don't really want to.

This kind of lonliness is different. It's the kind where you're just tired of watching Netflix by yourself on monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday, not necessarily that you're alone either. It's realizing that getting fucked is payable by Visa or MasterCard, but finding what few people learn to capture for a lifetime and many capture for a moment, when souls touch, tangle, and translate, ahh, isn't that what I'm missing? Isn't that what eHarmony is banking on?

The problem with that photo, is that reality isn't a Kodak. Reality is a fully four dimensional existence, and love takes work. More work than 60% of Americans are willing to put into it. It's not an afterthought "hey let's logon and see who's left me an icebreaker." It never was that.

It's the process by which walls disintegrate and then trust begins building. For some, this is a rather seamless process, for the rest of us though, the demolition isn't as painless as a few well-placed explosives. We're hurting from the ground up and it's like taking a pickaxe to demolish a fifteen-story building.

Gimme love or gimme death. Wait, not yet, ack! cough! (breathless goodbye).