Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Oh Bitterness, There You Are

I've found that I want to crawl to the Peace of Pepperdine. To stare into the mists of a night sky. To feel free, to remember the real world is OUT THERE and not over here. Reality can blur with the past and I can be back where I think I belonged.

I feel that I'm finally scaling the mountain of goals I had planned to achieve. I'm getting everything I wanted. Then I look behind me, and I see that I'm missing everything I already had. The hard edges are slick against my wrists and I can hold on no longer. I must choose between who I was and who I will be. And this colossal fight is tearing me up inside.

I'm not even sure what to be afraid of, what to worry about. All I know is that I smell weariness in every step. I try so hard to be. And in that I lose me. Am I always going to lose? Can't I have some of my past and some of my future?

I want to speed down the highway and forget that I can't merge the past and present. That what was, is lost. Reconciling that makes me want to shove my elegant ride down PCH and coast to safety. Standing on a campus that is no longer mine. Wondering how time stole my life and won't give it back.

Love is supposed to be the great warm blanket and the devoid is what?! Just because I'm not married, joining an ancient tradition. Because I choose to forgo that path, I am ostracized. And maybe I am missing out. But so what? Who isn't... If you know Los Angeles, you know singlehood. You know that trust comes never and there's nothing anyone can do to stop that.

Where does this end? Where can I go to find that peace? That perfect place where what I want is what I have, and what I have is all I want. And that's the truth.

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